There's only so much you can prepare for as a dad. You can read all of the parenting books. You can babysit your nieces and nephews to get some practice in. You can practice changing diapers on your cat.
But no matter how much you practice on your dad skills, sometimes shit happens. Literally.
Santiago just turned one month old, and he's starting to have a little personality. He's a lot like his mom. He needs your undivided attention 24/7, he's moody, and if his meal ain't ready in the snap of a finger his whole worlds stops turning.
And like his mom, he likes to mess with me. I like to think that he knows exactly what he's doing. I can just hear him in his tiny head "Oh you just gonna set me down in this swing while you clean the kitchen huh? Watch this... WAHHH! WAHHH! WAHHH!" Then as I come back to pick him up, the crying stops and he looks at me like "Yeah that's what I thought, slave."
I thought I knew what to expect because I already had one son. At night, AJ used to wake up every two hours to eat. Sometimes, my wife and I would alternate waking up and take turns feeding him. I could bank on him waking up at 5:30 every morning. So I would always wake up at that time, take him to the living room with a bottle, and watch SpongeBob until we both fell back asleep for an early morning nap.
Santiago ain't about none of that.
He sleeps like an adult. It's kinda weird actually. At night, he'll sleep like 6 hours straight. Maybe waking up once to eat knock back out immediately. We've been getting much more consecutive hours of sleep than we did with AJ.
But he makes you pay for good nights of sleep. This morning, he woke up at about 6:00 am to eat and poop. So my wife wakes me up and asks me to massage his stomach like I always do, to assist him in letting it all go. Usually I can tell when he's done, because he stops grunting and he stops flexing his stomach.
So I give him a couple minutes, just to make sure he's all done. His eyes are starting to slowly close, dozing back off to sleep. So I figure I can change his diaper now, right?
I get the next diaper ready, I've got a wipe covering his little friend so he doesn't pee everywhere, everything is accounted for. As I begin to pull the dirty diaper, he looks up at me. I know he's thinking in his mind, "You done fucked up."
I lift up his legs to place the new diaper, and SPLASH! Projectile baby shit all over me! My stomach, shorts, and legs are literally sprayed with that mustard seed looking shit. It's great, this is fine, everything is fine.
At this point, I've done seen it all. I've dealt with a two year old dropping an entire log into his underwear. It comes with the territory of being a dad.
I wasn't even disgusted by it honestly. I was more upset with myself for letting my guard down. I should have known that was coming.
So at 6:30 am, I gave my son a bath, gave him back to his mom, took a shower, and started my day. I've been wanting to wake up earlier anyway, so thanks Santiago for helping me get my day started.
And a PSA to anyone who has a weak stomach for human feces, (looking at it, smelling it, getting it under your fingertips somehow) YOU'RE NOT READY TO HAVE KIDS!